Fuck Cock Rock: W.A.S.P., Codpieces, Chris Holmes and the Ballad of the Small Ween

Matt at The Vogue comes through again.  Lou was sitting around minding his own business, which is drinking PBR and smoking cigars, when a text came through.  It was an image of W.A.S.P’s self-titled debut album from 1984.  Matt:  Interested?  Lou:  How much?  Matt:  $60, but less for you.  Lou:  Too rich for my blood, but can Lou listen to it?  Matt:  Sure thing.

Well, Lou has given W.A.S.P a spin and it is delightful.  Pure ‘80s glam metal schlock of the highest order.  Now, for the W.A.S.P fanatics out there, you are well aware that the album was supposed to open with “Animal (Fuck Like a Beast”).  This song was one of the original Filthy Fifteen and the powers that be at the record label got scurred.  W.A.S.P knuckled under the pressure and the song was pulled.  It appeared as a single and was included in later reissues, but no dice on this first pressing.  W.A.S.P are a bunch of pussies.  Weak sauce dude.

That aside W.A.S.P holds a special place in Lou’s heart for two reasons.  The first is lead guitarist Chris Holmes.  There are all manner of dudes who can be the poster child for ‘80s metal excess.  Lemmy.  Sure.  Ozzy Osbourne.  Obviously.  Biting the heads off doves and bats and snorting ants and pissing on the Alamo.  Yawn.  Ozzy is too obvious.  He seems clingy and begging for attention.  Nikki Sixx.  Maybe.  Flatlining and then leaving the hospital and taking the biggest shot of heroin yet.  Heroinic!!  There are a ton more poster children out there.

For Lou, it is Chris Holmes.  Do you remember the pool scene from Decline of Western Civilization Part II?  Iconic stuff.  This is the pinnacle of ‘80s excess.  And it has nothing to do with Holmes’s batshit dialogue or his Leaving Las Vegas level drinking.  No, it has everything to do with the presence of his mother at the side of the pool.  That added touch sends the whole scene over the top.  It reminds Lou of when he was in college and would wear a t-shirt around campus with his mother’s picture on it, which she got made at Dutch Wonderland in Lancaster.  Chris Holmes should have gone on tour with a leather jacket with his mother’s picture on the back.  That would be bad ass shit.  Chris Holmes forever.  Maybe not forever, but the motherfucker is still alive.  Amazing.  That is rock star shit.  Too cool to die.

Reason number two W.A.S.P is awesome.  Blackie Lawless’s codpiece.  It is like Blackie watched Spinal Tap and said, “This isn’t stupid enough.  Let’s go to eleven.”  The codpiece is batshit insane.  First of all, it was huge.  Second of all it had a circular saw attached to it.  So far so crazy.  But then it shot fire.  Holy shit.  At one point, the flame thrower malfunctioned and reversed itself and burned Blackie’s junk.  You can’t make this stuff up.

Hot take:  Blackie Lawless’s codpiece is actually a feminist statement.  Hear Lou out.  Obviously, the codpiece is a symbol of masculinity and virility and all types of toxic bullshit, but this particular codpiece is so over the top and so ridiculous that it is surely parody.  It can’t be serious and it is in fact a piss take.  Andrea Dworkin, do you buy this premise?  Lou did not think so.  Worth a try.

The codpiece has a long and girthy legacy in the popular imagination.  But the glory years of the codpiece are shockingly short.  As a fashion the codpiece was a thing only from around 1540 to 1590, at which point more feminine fashions began to reassert themselves.  Blackie Lawless aside, the biggest proponent of the codpiece was Henry VIII.  Not surprising given the fact that he had something like eight wives and was an all-around pussy hound.  Hank’s metal codpiece, which would make Blackie blush, is currently in the Tower of London.  Talk about the Crown Jewels.  

Despite being fashionable for only a brief period of time, the codpiece looms large in popular culture.  In rock, it made a comeback in the 1970s.  Is it wrong to blame the resurgence of the codpiece in rock on Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull?  Anderson realized it was rather fruity to be playing a flute so in an attempt to butch it up, he went full codpiece.  Hey, Ian, which is even more fruity.  Even Herbie Mann knew not to wear a codpiece on the cover of Push Push.  

The codpiece is a symbol of cock rock.  Didn’t Gene Simmons wear one?  Ted Nugent probably wears one and stands in front of the mirror like Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights or more accurately like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.  

In Lou’s opinion the codpiece reveals sexual insecurity more than sexual confidence.  From the blues to country to rock, every male performer sings about their huge dong.  Robert Plant.  Huge dong.  Jimi Hendrix.  Huge dong.  Steven Tyler.  A big twelve inch.  We get it, you have armadillos in your pants.  Again, this is Spinal Tap shit.  

Rock stars sing about masturbation and, maybe even, premature ejaculation, but where are all the songs about small cocks.  Sure, there are songs, usually by female rappers, about guys with small dongs, but this is a diss.  Where are the songs championing small wangs?  Is Robert Plant going up before hundreds of thousands of fans at Knebworth and telling them he has a small John Thomas?  To be short, no.

Okay, Lou will do it.  For all of you who got the shaft in the shaft department, sing along.

We’ve heard plenty

Of fat asses

And big bottoms

 

But what

 

Of those

 

Like say a Lou

 

Who’s scrotum

 

Is playing possum

 

Fuck cock rock

 

And those

 

With lead zeppelins

 

Sporting bricks

 

What about

 

Mr. Robotos

 

Out of which

 

Nothing sticks

 

Who sings

 

About Lous

 

With tiny dicks

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

Come on

 

Let’s hear

 

You scream

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

Every groupie’s dream

 

Fuck these

 

Size queens

 

No go on

 

The down low

 

And nothing

 

In between

 

 

A fluffer

 

Just ain’t enough

 

And there ain’t

 

A chance

 

A kumquat

 

In Lou’s pants

 

Will do anything

 

To enhance

 

When Lou

 

Takes the stage

 

To sing and dance

 

We’ve heard it all

 

About big balls

 

And your

 

Big twelve-inch

 

Lou sings

 

It small

 

On a flexi disc

 

No shellac

 

In his sack

 

It is floppy

 

Like his dick

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

Come on

 

Let’s hear

 

You scream

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

It’s every

 

Groupie’s dream

 

Fuck these

 

Size queens

 

No go on

 

The down low

 

And nothing

 

in between

 

 

 

Anyone can sing

 

About their

 

Big ding a ling

 

But only Lou

 

Can make

 

A show

 

Of something

 

About nothing

 

Jimi Hendrix

 

And his

 

Big dick

 

Cast in plaster

 

Lou posed

 

For a master

 

What a disaster

 

But let it

 

Be told

 

Lou broke the mold

 

The center

 

Would not hold

 

When his rock

 

Just up and folded

 

The worship

 

Of cock

 

Is so old

 

Lou hasn’t got

 

A money shot

 

And won’t be sold

 

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

Come on

 

Let’s hear

 

You scream

 

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

It’s every

 

Groupie’s dream

 

Fuck these

 

Size queen

 

No go on

 

The down low

 

And nothing

 

In between

 

 

 

Fat asses

 

And big dicks

 

Lou ain’t down

 

With this

 

It’s the jissom

 

Of capitalism

 

The bigness

 

Of business

 

Lou is about

 

Conspicuous construction

 

And junk that

 

Doesn’t function

 

The world’s obese

 

And doesn’t need

 

Something to munch on

 

Cock rock

 

You don’t

 

Have to buy it

 

Ladies go on

 

A crash diet

 

The music

 

Of small dicks

 

Come on

 

And try it

 

Have some vision

 

And rise up

 

Against the system

 

By not being down

 

With cock rock

 

There is wisdom

 

In getting off

 

Your back

 

And getting off

 

Without jissom

 

From each

 

According to ability

 

To each

 

According to need

 

Hey queens

 

It’s time

 

To downsize

 

And get down

 

With small weens

 

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

Come on

 

Let’s hear

 

You scream

 

 

 

Small weens

 

Small weens

 

No obscene

 

Scenes in

 

Lou’s jeans

 

It’s every

 

Groupie’s dream

 

Fuck these

 

Size queen

 

No go on

 

The down low

 

And nothing

 

In between

 

Ok, who is man enough to sing it loud and proud about being poorly endowed with Lou Waxman?  That is what Lou thought.  Everyone is hiding behind their codpieces like Blackie Lawless.  Blackie protests and projects too much.  No doubt, Blackie should be singing with Lou.

 

Suggested Sites and Sounds:

Animal (Fuck Like a Beast):  W.A.S.P. - Animal (F.... Like a Beast), live in London 1984 *4K*Poster Boy of ‘80s Excess:  The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (2/6) W.A.S.P.'s Chris Holmes (1988)

Chris Holmes Back in the Pool:  Chris Holmes - Pool Interview 2017 - Duke TV [DE-ES-FR-IT-RU Subs]

History of the Codpiece:  The rise and fall of the codpiece | strange history of codpieces | men’s fashion history documentary

Henry VIII Packing:  Why Henry VIII's Codpiece Is So...Monumental

Paster Caster Documentary:  Plaster Caster - Trailer

Armadillos in Our Pants:  Spinal Tap - Derek Smalls Airport Security

— Lou Waxman