KISS Alive!: Would Lou Lie to You?

— Lou Waxman

Well, Lou’s readers can’t believe that Lou was a competitive swimmer. Turns out they think Lou is some kind of drunken buffoon. Remember, dear readers, Chris Farley was quite the athlete. It was a big part of his appeal. So, yes, until the age of about thirteen, Lou was a damn good swimmer. Lou swam for his public pool in the summer. The age groups went every two years. 8-9, 10-11, 12-13. Something like that. The swimmers slightly older than Lou were extremely good. They would go on to swim competitively in college and, even more competitively, play water polo. When those swimmers graduated up in age group, Lou, who was slightly younger, would become the Man, as in the best swimmer on the team in his age group. Lou swam freestyle and butterfly just fine, but backstroke was Lou’s specialty. Lou could never really get the hang of breaststroke. At the county tournaments, Lou would finish in the top three consistently. Lou was good.

So, what happened, Lou? Why did you quit? Speedos, dude. Lou was not for the life of him going to go another day wearing a Speedo. Robert Plant and the members of Spinal Tap can swim all they want, but poor Lou, at a certain age, could swim no longer. Small weens, man. Sing it. So, a future Michael Phelps was nipped in the bud due to his shortcomings in the pool. Or something like that.

When Lou was studying abroad in London, he would drink at the bar in the dorm (This is one of the best things about university in London. Bars in the dorm. If this was available in the United States, Lou may never have graduated.) with a British dude who was studying American Literature of the 19th Century. He was a big Melville guy. At a certain point in the evening, he would start ranting and raving about the albino squirrel that was lurking in the public park near the dorm. The al-beeno squirrel. That is how he said it. Without fail at a certain point, he would jump up and rush out of the dorm bar and go to the park to hunt for the al-beeno squirrel. Every once and a while, Lou would go with him. An Ishmael to his Captain Ahab. As Lou remembers, it was always very foggy. Eerily so. It was spooky. Lou, Lou, do you see it? The al-beeno squirrel!!! Lou never fucking saw it. One night we did see a raccoon come out of the fog with half a banger in its mouth. One of the weirdest things Lou ever saw.

When Lou was working at the bookstore, Lou’s father-in-law’s birthday was coming up. He claimed to be a huge fan of John MacDonald. Loved him. Travis McGee was his guy. Allegedly. Well, it just so happened that a complete run of John MacDonald paperbacks came into the store. All the paperback titles from The Deep Blue Good-by to The Scarlet Ruse. And they were mint. Crisp as the hundreds Lou scraped together to buy the complete set. So, Lou boxed up all the paperbacks and gave them as a gift to his father-in-law. He seemed happy. Lou doubts he ever read them. But as a token of thanks, he gave Lou a cigar out of his humidor. A Playboy-brand cigar. Connecticut shade. Lou has come to realize that it was a piece of shit cigar. A dog turd. But it was the first cigar Lou smoked unironically. Not as a joke. As an adult. As a committed smoker. It was all over from there. Lou should have kept the John MacDonalds. They were fucking sweet. Did Lou tell you they were mint? You could have cut your finger on the covers they were so sharp.

Lou was at his neighbor’s house. Sitting around a table drinking beer. Lou drooled on the table. Lou has been known to drool on occasion. No big deal. Well, the drool took away the varnish of the table and started eating into the wood. What the fuck? Was this the cigars? The PBRs? The bacon grease? What was oozing out of Lou’s body? What was this shit doing to Lou’s internals? Was he rotting from the inside out? Lou’s neighbor freaked out. He was sure that Lou was a reptile or an alien. An alien from Alien? You know what Lou is talking about. Acid for blood. A total killing machine. Lou’s neighbor is convinced that Lou is not human. A vampire. A werewolf.

When Lou was travelling aboard, he spent a few days in Amsterdam. Lou wandered around with a guy who, without fail, would photograph the sunset wherever he happened to be at that moment. He was travelling the world for a year, and he had sunset pictures from the most amazing places. The idea was to put them all together in a book. Lou thought it was a pretty good idea. Wonder what happened with it? Anyway, Lou and this guy went to the red-light district one night and somehow walked into a karaoke bar that seemed to be full of prostitutes. Wall to wall hos. They were drinking and carrying on. Having a good time. As you know, Lou is a fan of live music. On LP only. Lou has been to very few concerts in his time, but Lou has to say that he saw one of the great performances ever in this karaoke bar. A tall transvestite stepped on to the makeshift stage in a short blue dress. She sang to James Brown’s “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” and at a certain point in her performance when singing about said new bag, she would flash her bag to the audience. Lou wondered how this would go over at The Apollo. The crowd fucking loved it here in Amsterdam.

For Lou’s parent’s generation, the Kennedy assassination was the defining moment. A generation later it was the moon landing. For Gen-X, before 9-11 happened and changed everything, everywhere, all at once, the defining moment was the OJ Chase. Of course, Lou remembers where he was during 9-11, just like Lou’s mother remembers where she was during the Kennedy assassination and the killing of Lee Harvey Oswald. Lou was in the car listening to Howard Stern. The Howard Stern Show mediated 9-11 for Lou. Stern’s coverage of the tragedy has become legendary. To be honest, Lou can’t really remember what Stern actually said or much about the show at all. But Lou distinctly remembers the OJ Chase. Lou was at a bar watching the Knicks-Rockets NBA finals. The bar was packed and most people were not paying attention to the game. There was one large TV that sat at the end of the bar. TVs were not a thing at this bar. The jukebox was the star. Then the OJ Chase started happening. As the chase got crazier and crazier, the entire bar gathered around the TV. The jukebox was turned off so people could hear the TV. For a bit, it was almost completely silent as people watched stunned. Then all hell broke loose. People started chanting “The Juice Is Loose!!! The Juice Is Loose!!!” Then everybody started ordering screwdrivers. Things get fuzzy after that.

Right before Lou began studying abroad, he stayed with a few host families to get the flavor of England. Lou stayed with one husband and wife who when Lou arrived were busy during the day and told Lou to explore the town until evening when we would go to the town’s Christmas pageant. Fine with Lou. So, Lou woke up early and headed out into the town. Lou for the life of him cannot remember the name of the town. But it was a textbook English village. A few pubs. A park. Shops. A graveyard. Quaint and old-timey. As Lou was wandering around, this young man came up to Lou and started talking and walking with him. It was obvious that he was touched in the head. He might have been mentally disabled or just plain crazy. But he was off. He talked a mile a minute and would not leave Lou’s side. For the whole day, he took Lou all over town. Stopped in a pub or two. Walked through the park. Looked at graves in the graveyard. As it was getting close to time to return to the host family, the guy was adamant that we go to the church. We walked right in and there was absolutely no one in there. It was kind of dark and there was a table with what seemed like a hundred candles. The guy starts lighting all the candles. Soon the church brightens with all the candles, and it is really beautiful in there. Outside the church the guy finally walks away. End of story. Lou wrote to his girlfriend at the time about the whole incident in a long letter. Much longer than this and Lou said how weird it was that the guy lit all those candles. Lou’s girlfriend, who was from a Catholic family, wrote back and said he was saying prayers for you. Lou wrote back, wow, Lou must be in more trouble than he thought. That was a shitload of candles.

Once upon a time, Lou was at a party in Georgetown. Next thing you know Lou found himself locked in the bathroom with a girl he knew and she was standing on the toilet seat dancing. Lou was sitting on the edge of the bathtub tossing all the money he had in his pockets. Dimes, nickels, quarters. One-dollar bills. Fives. She starts stripping and she is in her bra and panties on the toilet and Lou is fishing through his pockets furiously. Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” is blaring outside the bathroom door. Suddenly some guy starts pounding on the door screaming that he is going to shit his pants. That’s it. That is all Lou’s got. He can’t remember a single thing after that. Sad.

Lou had a friend who was a regular at a bar. He was your basic regular. An everybody knows your name type of guy. One night he is there and the bartender starts talking to him about how his estranged wife left the country and went to Japan with their kid. Lou’s friend drinks through the night and then leaves a $1000 tip. Goes from a bar regular to a bar legend. The bar is open 24/7 for him. More often than not, he would hang out at the bar well after closing time until dawn drinking with the bartenders. Sometimes Lou would be there; sometimes not. A girl Lou knew would be there as well. She was a hurdler in high school and dabbled with it in college. When the bar closed and everyone was hanging around shooting the shit, everybody would egg her on to relive her high school glory days. The bartenders would set up a line of beer kegs throughout the length of the entire bar, and the DJ would play the soundtrack to Chariots of Fire. And for the next few minutes the girl would hurdle the beer kegs back and forth, back and forth, to rapturous cheers. Good times.

As you have no doubt guessed by now, this is a review KISS Alive! Lou may have bought this album at The Vogue. Or he may have bought Love Gun or Destroyer. Or he may not. Is KISS Alive! real? Are they really playing live? Is this a true representation of a KISS concert? Does it fucking matter if it sounds good? The best Western ever made is The Wild Bunch by Sam Peckinpah. It isn’t even close. But the best line from a Western is from The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. When the legend becomes fact, print the legend. Or in this case, post it.

Suggested Sites and Sounds:

The Bottom Line on Speedos: Do Women Love Guys In Speedos? | TMZ

The Al-beeno Squirrel: Rare albino squirrel spotted by cemetery workers

Acid Blood: Alien (1979) - Acid Blood Scene (1/5) | Movieclips

Howard Stern on 9-11: The Howard Stern Show - 9 11 Full Attacks

OJ vs the Knicks: Game 5 of 1994 NBA Finals Rockets vs Knicks vs the O J Simpson Chase

Say a Prayer for Lou: Burning Candles

A stripped toilet seat: How To Remove a Stripped Toilet Seat Expansion Bolt Mounting Hardware [HD]

It Was Like This, Really: Women's 100mH Final 🏃‍♀️| Paris Champions

Print the Legend: Print the Legend - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (6/7) Movie CLIP (1962) HD - YouTube