Original cover of Joy of Cooking’s self-titled debut album

Joy of Cooking: Lou’s Caesar Salad, Swordfish & Rock ’n’ Roll

September 28, 2026

Lou went into Black Moon Public House looking for a bite to eat and he stopped at The Vogue for dessert. He found a copy of Joy of Cooking’s self-titled debut. The band was formed in Berkeley in 1967 and fused rock, blues, jazz, and folk with a hippie sensibility and rare for the time feminist themes. Even more rare was the fact that the band was fronted by women, Terry Garthwaite (guitarist) and Toni Brown (pianist). Everybody knows the greatest woman-fronted rock band is Fanny. Correct that. The Shaggs. Step away from those instruments and get back in the kitchen, ladies. In honor of Joy of Cooking, Lou is going to give you a few recipes. Lou, you sexist pig! Hey, hey! Lou kids because he loves. No, seriously, here are a few recipes. Lou may not do his share of the chores, but he does cook. He knows his way around a recipe. Just don’t ask him to clean up.

Let me
Tell you
What Lou’s
Gonna do
He is gonna
Give a recipe
To all of you
Go to your
Local fish store
Mine happens
To go by
The name of Dorr
Get a piece
Of swordfish steak
About an inch
And a quarter
Give or take
Now unwrapped
Put on a sheet
With tin foil
Brush with
A mix of
Olive oil
Cracked pepper
Kosher salt capped
Let it broil
Til the edges brown
Now get more oil
And minced garlic
Stir around
Let it simmer
Which is
Not quite a boil
Add some butter
But not Parkay
Pour in a
Little Chardonnay
Lou’s not
Drinking it
Anyway
Some lemon juice
Maybe zest
With a scraper
Then sprinkle in
Some capers
As an added touch
Take out
Your fish
Before it’s browned
Too much
Put the steak
On a plate
Spoon the sauce
Don’t that
Look great
Get some
Seaweed
With sesame seeds
You can have that
As some greens
Pour out a cold
Glass of water
And enjoy
Your swordfish piccata
That’s the end
Of this cooking show
Now you can eat
Like your buddy Lou

Lou loves to watch videos of waiters making Caesar salad tableside. Believe it or not, Lou makes a mean Caesar salad. In fact, he would put his handiwork up against the culinary masterpieces at The Golden Steer in Las Vegas any day. In Lou’s humble opinion, he thinks he does it better. Lou got the foundations of his recipe on the downlow from a waiter at Middleton’s Tavern in Annapolis, Maryland, where they do a great tableside Caesar. The whole presentation at Middleton’s was one of Lou’s favorite dining experiences. Dinner theater. Lou took the basics and ran wild with it, making the recipe his own.

One of Lou’s dreams is to open a restaurant that serves nothing but tableside Caesar salad with actors and comedians making it. Like Salt Bae with crowd work. A true show. That is it. That’s the list. Just Caesar and a show. The only drink would be pounders of PBR served in the can with no glasses allowed. Caesar salad and PBR. That is all you need. And a name for the restaurant. That is all you need. And Bailey’s on ice for dessert. That is all you need. Lou, stop being a jerk.

The Caesar: First thing you need is a large wooden bowl. Lou got his custom-made from a woodworker in Massachusetts that specialized in bowls. It is beautiful. A work of art. Like Lou’s Caesar. Next you need to mince three large cloves of garlic. Do yourself a favor and buy a nice garlic press from Williams & Sonoma. It is essential for a kitchen. You should also have a well-seasoned iron skillet. Quit fucking around with those Ginsu knives. Press the garlic in the bowl and add an anchovy filet from a glass jar of anchovies. Don’t fuck with the tins. It is wasteful. Who uses that much anchovy? Sprinkle in some tabasco. Now, mash all this up with a fork into a paste. DO NOT buy anchovy paste. Don’t take short cuts. Sure, you could buy Caesar dressing in a bottle and not do all this shit, but it tastes like shit too. Create your own anchovy paste in the bowl. Grow up.

Add Worcestershire sauce. You will see recipes that say to use a couple of tablespoons. Lou uses quite a bit more than that. Cover the bottom of the bowl. Fuck Lea & Perrins. Lou uses French’s. French’s Bold if he can get it. Add a few shakes of red wine vinegar. Remember this is not a vinaigrette, so don’t overdo it. That said, the vinegar really heightens the flavor. Just don’t drown it. Restraint. Moderation. Yeah, right.

Then add a couple of spoonfuls of Grey Poupon Dijon mustard. Only Grey Poupon will do. But of course. Add the yolks of two eggs. Just the yolks. If this makes you squeamish and worried about Salmonella, you are just not the type of person to enjoy a delicious salad. Your loss. Whisk this all together.

Now for the only thing Lou actually measures in this salad. The olive oil. Precisely one-third of a cup. Not a drop more, not a drop less. Add this slowly to the bowl and whisk continuously until all the olive oil is mixed in.

Here is where things get controversial. Lou adds a couple of spoonfuls of Kraft grated parmesan. The Golden Steer would be horrified. Lou finds that he likes the added saltiness of the Kraft. Again, like with the Grey Poupon and the French’s, only Kraft will do. Then add shredded parmesan as well. Mix all together. Do not add so much cheese that the dressing becomes a solid mass. It should still be quite fluid. Then add some black pepper. Lou likes quite a bit of black pepper but add to your taste.

Put some Romaine lettuce in the bowl and dump in a full bag of Texas toast Caesar croutons. Only these will do. You need a robust crouton to deal with all the dressing. This is a wet Caesar, like after Julius was stabbed repeatedly. Toss the salad and add more lettuce. Make sure the dressing is well distributed. When well tossed, add more shredded parmesan to the top and some more black pepper.

This is a Caesar to die for and is a joy to make. It is pure sex. Making it is like making love. Slow, involved, and sensual. While you are making it, you might want to play Joy of Cooking’s first album as background music to get you in the mood. Bon appetite.

— Lou Waxman