Breaking News!!! A post ripped from the headlines. Don’t worry Lou will get there but bear with a few detours and left turns. The soundtrack to The Flamingo Kid caught Lou’s eye months and months ago. That poor soundtrack has been seemingly sitting in the bins ever since the Vogue opened its doors. To be honest, who cares about the songs on it? It is a bunch of golden oldies and maybe a sad new tune or two. Really who cares? Let’s talk about the real selling point of The Flamingo Kid: Jennifer Jones in a white bathing suit. This wasthe audition that got Jones the role of Mrs. Wayne Gretzky. Now Lou is not going to get all historical and compare Jones’ swimwear turn to Marilyn Monroe’s in How I Married a Millionaire or Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity or Ursula Andress in Dr. No or Racquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.or Bo Derek in 10. This is all off the top of the dome, mind you. List your own favorites in the comments. This is iconic shit. Jennifer Jones in The Flamingo Kid is not on that level.
But Lou will argue that Jones ranks with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High for best swimsuit scene in the 1980s. The nerds will argue for Carrie Fisher in Return of the Jedi(Sad!!!) and, if you are of a certain age, you probably have your favorites too. But for Lou there is a clear-cut favorite that is head and shoulders above the rest. Nicollette Sheridan in The Sure Thing. This movie gets lost in the shuffle of great 1980s teen comedies. It is a great one. Has anyone had such a heater as an actor as John Cusack in the 1980s? His bit part in Sixteen Candles is classic. Before that he was in Class. A classic. Then as a leading man he rips off The Sure Thing (he was sixteen in this role by the way), follows that up with Better Off Dead, the criminally underrated One Crazy Summer, and ends the decade with Say Anything. He was also in Stand By Me, Hot Pursuit, Broadcast News, Tapeheads, and Eight Men Out. Lou has a soft spot for Cusack because Lou passionately believes that his email dissertation on Cusack’s epic career which he sent to his future wife early in their dating life is what ultimately won her heart. That is some Lloyd Dobler shit.
Back to Nicolette Sheridan and her swimsuit in The Sure Thing. It is pure poetry.
A McGuffin
Is a dumb thing
That moves
The plot
Or something
In The Sure Thing
Nicollette Sheridan
Was a young thing
That was
A McGuffin
In Brokeback Mountain
Michelle Williams’s
And Anne Hathaway’s
Muffins
Are classic
McGuffins
But in Citizen Kane
Marion Davies’s
Button
Is the ultimate
McGuffin
In addition, for Lou’s money, Sheridan starred in one of the greatest moments of 1980s network television. No, it is nothing on Falcon Crest. It is her cut-off t-shirt in The Battle of the Network Stars in 1988. It has to be seen to be believed. Scott Baio saw it, horndog that he is, and he shot his shot in front of an entire television audience. Alas for Baio, Sheridan was a Harry Hamlin woman. The Battle of the Network Stars was bat-shit crazy. It is remarkable that this aired on TV. And Lou is not just talking about Telly Savalas in a swimsuit smoking cigarettes, looking like a Greek mafia guy (Plagiarism alert!!!). If you don’t believe Lou watch the YouTube video of the feud between Gabe Kaplan and Robert Conrad. You can’t make this stuff up.
The best part of Battle of the Network Stars was not Telly Savalas in a swimsuit but all the female stars of the day in swimsuits and running shorts. We are talking true legends. Farrah Fawcett, Adrienne Barbeau, Lynda Carter, Jaclyn Smith, Suzanne Somers, Jane Seymour, Cheryl Ladd, Donna Mills, Cheryl Tiegs, Valerie Bertinelli, Catherine Bach, Victoria Principal, Charlene Tilton, Linda Evans, Ann Jillian, Heather Thomas, Heather Locklear. Don’t sleep on Erin Gray, Teri Copley, Jan Smithers, and Emma Samms. Remember them. Lou does. Fondly. Above them all is Nicollette Sheridan in her t-shirt. It might be better than Sheridan in The Sure Thing. Tough call.
Back to The Flamingo Kid. It starred Matt Dillon. Dillon’s role in Drugstore Cowboy as Bob Hughes is one of Lou’s favorites from the entire 1980s and that movie is probably in the top tenfor the decade. Extra points for the scene stealing William Burroughs as Father Tom Murphy. If Anthony Hopkins can wina best supporting actor for his fifteen minutes of fame in Silence of the Lambs, then Burroughs could have gotten at least a nomination for his five minutes. Come on. Burroughs is more of a reptile than Hannibal Lecter ever was. Then Dillon scored again in the 1990s with Wild Things. Denise Richards deserved a best supporting nod as well.
The Flamingo Kid is a coming-of-age story set at a beach resort on Long Island in the summer of 1963. It is a cool movie. One of the plot points and the climax of the movie is Dillon’s character, Jeffrey Willis, foiling Phil Brody played by Richard Crenna who cheats at gin rummy. Sweet Georgia Brown. This is a direct rip-off of James Bond in Goldfinger but who cares it was fun.
And this is where we get into today’s headlines. You may have heard that there is a gambling scandal in the NBA. Allegedly. Amongst the charges is that Chauncey Billups, a Hall of Famer and current coach of the Portland Trailblazers, was involved in a crooked poker game involving all types of James Bond shit. Allegedly. Where is Jeffrey Willis from The Flamingo Kidwhen you need him? Billups was also charged with giving information, such as who will or will not play, to sports gamblers. Allegedly. In other news, Terry Rozier, a current player for the Miami Heat, was also implicated in a gambling scandal involving privileged information useful for gamblers. Allegedly. And Damon Jones, an associate of LeBron James, did the exact same thing. Allegedly.
This is all interesting but is it really all that surprising. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Where are you going to get any unbiased reporting on this scandal? Not ESPN. Not the major news outlets on a network that broadcast sports. Not the newspapers or magazines owned by media corporations. Not any sports podcast. They all take advertising money from gambling sites and platforms. The elephant in the room is that all media is funded by advertising and thus compromised and not truly free of bias. In addition, it is the height of hypocrisy to wring your hands about the integrity of the game as you take all this dirty money. Lou hasn’t seen shit like this since the NFL concussion scandal being broadcast next to segments of “Jacked Up” celebrating vicious hits. It is a joke. But you know all this. This is old news.
Here is the elephant under that elephant. In listening to the media and league response to this gambling scandal, all the talking heads assure the public that improprieties just can’t possibly happen because all gambling activity is heavily monitored. In essence, the freedom to gamble is not freedom at all; it is merely another example of the incessant and all-encompassing surveillance on the general public that is performed by the government, the military, all corporations, all financial institutions, all internet providers, all purchases, and your employers. Basically, everyone is watching you. The freedom to gamble, the freedom to purchase, the freedom to travel, the freedom to gather in public places. Any alleged freedom is not freedom at all. It is merely an opportunity to watch you and gather information. And then sell you something or control you. Again, you knew all that.
The elephant under the elephant that is under the elephant is that the insider trading that is alleged in this gambling scandal is exactly what goes on all the time in that other grift that forms the backbone of the American economy: the stock market, which is being manipulated, not by coaches and players, but by the government and corporations. Yawn, Lou.
Hey Lou, fuck you!!! You are merely a shill for the Vogue. Oh, come on, man, Lou is the only free man in the industry. He cannot be bought because he isn’t for sale. Unless you see him at the Vogue and you want to buy him a Narragansett. Then he’ll talk your ear off and say anything you want him to say.
Suggested Sites and Sounds:
Iconic Swimsuits in the Movies: 25+ Most Iconic Swimsuit Moments in Movie History - thefashionball.com
The Battle of Two Icons: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABHKZ3hyrOA
Pure Poetry: BOTNS HQ 19 Nicollette Sheridan
Burroughs for the Oscar: William S. Burroughs in Drugstore Cowboy (All scenes)
Jacked Up: That’s Wack: ESPN's Jacked-Up! (NFL Hits) 2004
Grift: Marjorie Taylor Greene Faces ‘Insider Trading’ Probe Calls Over Stock Buys - Newsweek
It’s a Steaming Pile, Both Sides of the Aisle: Nancy Pelosi Faces Renewed Insider Trading Accusations Amid Visa Stock Sale Controversy. Pelosis always seem to know when to buy, sell. - Santa Monica Observer
— Lou Waxman