The Worst Rock ’n’ Roll Records of All-Time

Lou went to the well once again at the Vogue.  No, he is not referring to buying another Narragansett at Black Moon Public House (although he did that too).  No, Lou bought another book from the Vogue’s growing book section.  Initially he bought Jimmy Guterman’s The Best Rock n’ Roll Records of All-Time.  At that time, Lou passed on the copy of The Worst Rock n’Roll Records of All-Time:  A Fan’s Guide to the Stuff You Love to Hate, thinking that a book about the worst in rock would be worse than the best.  In some cases, Lou should not trust his instincts.  The Worst is a far better book than The Best.  Now, Lou’s instincts are not always off base.  For example, Lou recently bought John McLaughlin’s My Goals Beyond against his better judgment.  Lou does not like acoustic music and My Goals Beyond is McLaughlin in full acoustic mode.  Lou also does not like Eastern-influenced music either.  And you guessed it; this is McLaughlin in his spiritual phase.  There is nothing worse than driving around on a Sunday morning all hung over flipping the dial on the car radio looking for some rock to get Lou out of his stupor and finally finding a classic rock station and getting instead an Acoustic Café Sunday Brunch program by some deep voiced female DJ.  No bueno.  Lou knew he was not going to like My Goals Beyond.  Lou’s book scout friend knew Lou was not going to like it.  Lou bought it anyway and you guessed it; Lou did not like it.  Lesson learned?  Probably not.

Anyway, Lou bought The Best first and it was a fun read as Lou has discussed on this blog.  In fact, it was good enough for Lou to go back to the Vogue and buy The Worst.  If The Best was a fun time, The Worst was a rollicking good time.  There is a section in The Worst that lists bands that were never the same after losing a member:  The Brian Jones Memorial List.  There you will find Van Halen, Starship, The Doors, Genesis, J. Geils Band, and some others.   Lou would add The Best to this list.  You see The Worst was written by Jimmy Guterman and Owen O’Donnell and The Best is by Guterman gone solo.  There is definitely something missing in The Best.  Kinda like Van Halen was missing something without David Lee Roth.  Maybe it is O’Donnell’s personality and humor.

To be honest, this probably has less to do with the loss of O’Donnell and more to do with the subject matter.  It is just more fun to write about something bad than it is to write about something good.  A negative review is much more entertaining than a positive review.  Guterman tries his best by making controversial choices in his Best book, like placing Rod Stewart at the top of the list, but it is just not as compelling to read about the best Elvis as it is to write about the worst Elvis.

As you might expect Elvis’ Having Fun With Elvis on Stage is the number one worst album of all-time.  Pretty standard.  Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music is number two.  Bob Dylan’s Self Portrait is number three.  So far so bad.  Unlike The Best book, the Worst lists many of the albums you already know are bad, like The Shaggs.  That said, the write ups on these albums are much better than The Best.

Guterman lists the top fifty worst singles of all time as well, but Lou got the most out of the top fifty worst albums, because Lou buys albums, not singles.  Early in the book there is “The 33 ½ Rules of Rock and Roll” and Lou is on board with pretty much all of them.  When you get down to basics, Guterman and O’Donnell do not like pretentious rock.  Lou doesn’t either.  So, Lou was extremely happy to see Yes, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Jethro Tull, and Queen on the list.  Especially Queen.  Lou does not understand why Queen gets all the love.  They suck.  Even live they suck.  Dare Lou say it, even at Live Aid they sucked.  Lou was disappointed not to see Rush on the list, but you can’t have everything.  There were bad albums by great bands, like The Rolling Stones, The Who, and The Doors.  All Lou favorites, but Lou could not argue with putting Who’s Last on the list or any of the other choices relating to those bands.  

Lou was a little upset to see Iron Butterfly Live on the list.  When Lou pounds a 12-pack of PBR pounders and wants to get all Cro-Magnon, nothing quite fits the bill like Iron Butterfly.  Lou also has a soft spot for Vanilla Fudge and The Guess Who.  When listening to these bands, Lou always thinks of the scene with Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs in Almost Famous.  Hoffman/Bangs is in a disc jockey booth discussing records.  In this scene, Hoffman/Bangs lays out many of the premises of The Worst book.  On The Guess Who he exclaims, “They have the courage to be drunken buffoons, which makes them poetic” and “Live American Woman the most brilliant piece of gobbledygook ever”  Not surprisingly, “American Woman” makes The Worst’s singles list.  Lou like Hoffman/Bangs does not agree.  Lou also does not believe that Jim Morrison is a drunken buffoon.  The Lizard King is more like Lou’s drinking buddy.  

Many have said that Hoffman deserved Oscar consideration for his portrayal of Lester Bangs.  As great as that piece of acting was, Lou does not agree.  Like everything in Almost Famous, the character of Lester Bangs has been sanitized beyond all recognition.  The real Bangs was much more of a drunken, drug addled buffoon and loser than Hoffman makes him out to be.  This is not Hoffman’s fault.  Hoffman in real life had much in common with Lester Bangs and I think could have brought his personal struggles into filling out and complicating the Bangs character.  The problem is Cameron Crowe.  Crowe is soft.  He can’t help but make his movies sentimental mush.  Lester Bangs (and Hoffman) had a real funk about him and there is nothing, absolutely nothing funky about Almost Famous.

It would be interesting if Guterman and O’Donnell wrote a book about all the fictional bands out there.  Lou wonders what their take on Stillwater would be.  Would “Fever Dog” make the best or worst single list?  Lou would pay to read it.  And he would buy it at Vinyl Vogue.

—Lou Waxman

Suggested Sites and Sounds:

The Worst Albums by the Worst Rock Mag:  50 Genuinely Horrible Albums By Brilliant Artists.

Having Fun Yet:  Having Fun With Elvis On Stage - FULL ALBUM

Lester Bangs Cleaned Up:  Philip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs in the film "Almost Famous" (Untitled Cut). All scenes.

The Real Lester:  Lester Bangs about music