The Mystery of the Shaun Cassidy 45: Lou Waxman Investigates “Da Doo Ron Ron”

Good evening.  Thank you for tuning in to the “Mystery of the Shaun Cassidy 45” on The Vogue Channel.  I am your host, Lou Waxman.  Lou had his eye on the 45 of “Da Doo Ron Ron” coupled with “Holiday” for weeks.  He thought it might make an interesting post.  It was on the Wall of 45s and Lou placed it in the front of the Wall racks in order to come back and pick it up later.  A few days passed and the 45 was nowhere to be found.  Did Lou set it behind the counter?  Did somebody buy it?  Was he mistaken and it was never there?  Lou returned to The Vogue on two separate occasions and looked for the 45 again.  No luck.  It had disappeared into thin air.  Then Lou returned a few days later and “Da Doo Ron Ron” was sitting right in front of the rack just where Lou left it.  WTF?  A true mystery.  Lou blames those meddling kids.

Shaun Cassidy’s version of “Da Doo Ron Ron” is before Lou’s time.  It was released in 1977 and believe it or not went to number one on the Billboard Hot 100.  It spent 22 weeks on the charts.  This is proof that punk was a media fabrication from New York and London rock critics.  If Shaun Cassidy goes to number one, punk never happened.  Destroying the popularity of Shaun Cassidy is the only reason punk should exist.  Punk failed in its mission.  The original tune is a girl group classic by The Crystals from 1963, and it makes sense that Cassidy covered it because he is an effeminate pretty boy.  The song was the first of Cassidy’s three consecutive Top 10 hits.  Go figure.  Shaun Cassidy was a thing.  

Lou loves a mystery.  As a child, Lou read Nancy Drew andHardy Boys books.  He graduated up to Agatha Christie novels and worked his way through all of those.  Lou distinctly remembers one summer at the beach reading Two-Minute Mysteries.  Lou wanted to figure things out.  That is how Lou knows Shaun Cassidy.  From The Hardy Boys TV show which ran from 1977 to 1979 with Parker Stevenson.  Lou watched the reruns.  Lou also loved Scooby-Doo and the underrated ClueClub.  Every Sunday night Lou and his mother watched Jessica Fletcher and Murder, She Wrote.  Could not miss an episode.  Lou never understood why anybody would go within 100 miles of Jessica Fletcher.  She was like Typhoid Mary.  A killing machine.  More than half the time the most famous guest star was the killer.  But it was a low bar.  As Lou remembers in one episode Gabe Kaplan was the killer.  The question becomes how low on the fame totem pole do you have to be to become a killer on Murder, She Wrote.  Would Shaun Cassidy be killer material?  Leif Garret?  Needless to say, crime was a source of fascination for the young Lou.

So much so in fact, that Lou read Jay Robert Nash’s Bloodletters and Badmen in the fourth grade.  Not much was made of this at the time but nowadays if a fourth grader came into school with a book that details the exploits of Albert Fish, Richard Speck, Harvey Glatman (There is a Dragnet TV movie from 1966 based on the Glatman case.  Glatman always struck Lou as kind of a schlemiel in the murder department.  Lou never understood why he crossed over into the public imagination.  It must be the photogenic nature of the victims and the fact that Glatman was a better photographer than a serial killer.), Earle Nelson, and Carl Panzram (look this motherfucker up, he might be the most evil dude in America in the 20th Century, as Norm Macdonald would say, “This guy is a real jerk!!”  In fact, Norm did say that about Albert Fish, another evil dude.  By the way, everyone gets all excited about Ed Gein, you know, the inspiration for Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and a host of other shit.  Albert Fish is far, far more disturbing.  Plus, Fish went out like a complete psycho.  Look him up.) there would be meetings with school psychologists and all types of prescribed medication.  This is pre-Columbine mind you.  Lou grew up in simpler times.  For example, at one time he had a driver’s license that was “Valid Without Photo ID” and he flew internationally with that driver’s license and bought beer and went to bars.  Everything went to shit in the 21st Century.  What a dumpster fire.

Lou read Bloodletters and Badmen to pieces.  He checked it out so many times that he must have been on a list of some sort.  Back in the day, there was an urban legend that checking out certain books would get you on an FBI list.  For example, The Catcher in the Rye.  This was on the list because of Mark David Chapman, who had a copy on hand when he assassinated John Lennon.  Fun fact:  One of the most expensive LPs of all time is the copy of Double Fantasy that Chapman got signed on December 8th before the murder.  It sold for $900,000.  Crime pays, dude.  

Lou checked out all the crime encyclopedias.  This fascination continued into high school.  In 11th grade Lou wrote a term paper on the history of bank robbery in America.  The requirement was a ten-page paper.  Lou wrote fifty.  Unfortunately, the paper had to be typed, and Lou could not type so he and his father hired a secretarial firm to work on the manuscript which was handwritten on legal pads.  The process of getting that paper typed up over the weekend for a Monday deadline was akin to the shitshow that was James Joyce preparing the galleys for Ulysses.  It cost $500, which is about one million in today’s dollars.  Again in 11th grade Lou had to do a presentation, and he decided to do a talk on the Dillinger Gang in the 1930s.  Happily, Lou has outgrown his love of crime.  For example, he cannot understand how woman watch SVU.  This must be some type of disturbing fantasy porn.  There is no way women want to watch a show that does all types of disgusting things to women.  Lou does not get it.  It takes all kinds.

Cassidy’s “Da Doo Ron Ron” is an assault on the ears.  It is proof that the ladies like to be tortured.  Why else would anybody listen to this atrocity?

Suggested Sites and Sounds:  

Two-Minute Mysteries:  Two-minute mysteries : Sobol, Donald J., 1924-2012 : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

The Hardy Boys Rock:  Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy - "Da Doo Ron Ron" - The Hardy Boys S1E9 (1977)

Clue Club:  Hanna Barbera (Clue Club 1976) Intro

The Best of Murder, She Wrote:  Our Top 10 Angela Lansbury Scenes | Murder, She Wrote

Carl Panzram was a jerk:  CARL PANZRAM: The Most Twisted Serial Killer You’ve Never Heard Of | SERIAL KILLER FILES #36

Harvey Glatman, Another Jerk:  Creepy Serial Killer who Tricked Models into SICK & TWISTED Photoshoot Before Killing Them - YouTube

Norm on Albert Fish:  Albert Fish - Norm Macdonald

Most Expensive LPs of All Time:  25 Most Expensive Vinyl Records Ever Sold and the Stories Behind Them | Headphonesty

James Joyce, Editor:  Correcting Joyce: Trial and Error in the Composition of Ulysses in: James Joyce and Genetic Criticism

-- Lou Waxman